Friday, June 16, 2006

Sabotage and Shakespeare

This is not a post about adoption. I am suprisingly calm about that at this point and I don't really know why or how I got there, but I hope the calmness stays. This is a post about my own self-destruction. Okay so maybe that is alittle melodramtic, but I am mad at myself. I have been trying to lose weight for nearly 8 months now. I know that I have to give myself credit for the weight that I have lost so far--53lbs until this morning. But I have lost sight of my overall goal. I have become comfortable and proud with where I am at. I have ignored all my good nutrion knowledge and been eating crappy and eating whenever and whatever I want. I am like a kid locked in a candy store and I can do whatever I want. I am 20lbs away from where I wanted to be next week. I don't think I am going to make it. I know what I am doing, and I know that it is taking me away from my goals but I don't stop myself. I shrug it off as though it doesn't matter. But it does. I am loving my knew body, but I want it to keep changing. I want to feel better, I want to look better, I want to trust that I will continue to treat "my body like a temple and not like a tent"--that's a line from a country song and I suck at remembering artists and bands, etc.

I am not sure why I am sabotaging myself. I know what I am doing and I am completely rational--well maybe not completely but I am rational enough to know that eating a candy bar, laffy taffy, nachos, a brownie are not going to help me keep moving the numbers on the scale lower. Yet as I pause and think about each of those choices I decide to put it in my mouth anyway. Oh I am frustrated with myself. I am like my teenage students who come to school everyday and do thier assignments but never turn them in and wonder why they have failed. They know and I know why the scale was laughing at me this morning. I have to accept that I am still in weight loss mode and not in maintance mode. Not that this week I have done a very good job of maintance. UGH.

I love Shakespeare. Absolutely love Shakespeare--okay I was an English major, I teach high school English and am working on my MA in English. In our lovely town we have a Shakespeare program that puts on a free play every year in May/June that is outside in our beautiful urban park that has a natural amplitheater. We try to go every year. It is great, you take lawn chairs and blankents, food, wine, beer, etc and have a little picinic with about 3000 other people. This years production was Julius Caesar and it was awesome. It was a beautiful night about 75 degrees after the sun went down. I ate too much and drank a little more than I should as well, as it is all sugar which turns to fat if you don't burn it off. But it was nice. It was weird thinking that that would be our last Shakespeare performance with out our little one--as the festival is a family event, kids of all ages are in attendance. Caesar was also a great fit for my own self sabotage as that is a theme in the play. I hope I can get my diet and mind back under control as I don't want to really thrust myself onto the sword anymore than I already have.

1 comment:

Dawn said...

This is a stressful time. You are a new parent, and you are going to be a SAHM. Change can make you do things you would not otherwise do. Tomorrow is a new day and a chance to get back on track.