Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Relflections on Self

I have been doing a lot of thinking that has led me to be a little harder on myself than I should be. Before our adoption process came to an end, I was on a long journey of self-improvement. Mostly physical self-improvement. I was working very hard at losing the 90+ pounds I had gained since meeting my husband. I was on a roll. I had lost nearly 60 of it and had the end in sight. The end of this month marks the one year ago mark that I started this journey and sadly I am not where I thought I would be. As the adoption process moved on and as I was moving along in my weight loss, I reached a point where I felt that I no longer needed to work at it. It was easy to lose the weight and it just kept coming off. I allowed myself to start indulging in foods that were/are clearly not good for me. I allowed more desserts, etc. I am not sure why I relented. Am I afraid that I really cannot do it, so I give up and say I tried but I just can't do it.

Now with the little one here it has been hard for me to recommit to the gym and eating healthy. Not because there isn't time. I have plenty of time. I have a list of excuses longer than my agencies waiting list, and I know they are all just shitty reasons for protecting myself from failure. I don't know what I will do if I can't do it. I don't know how I will handle it. I don't think I would be okay with trying and failing. But it you aren't trying you can't fail and yes I know you can't be successful either and therein lies the rub. I want nothing more than to feel good about myself and I don't. Not because I am not society's image of beautiful but because I am not doing all I can to be the best person I can be both mentally and physically. I don't feel good and I know it is because I am not working out. I relish the time I spend at the gym getting in shape. I love being in shape. I love seeing and feeling my muscles work and I like knowing that each time I do it I am extending my life a little bit. So why is it still so hard to force myself to get my ass off the couch in the car and too the gym?

I want to do it for me. I know that is half the battle. I guess I just need to make it okay if I fail or make it okay if it takes me a little longer to meet my goal. My original goal date was Dec 1. I am now pushing it back until April 1--our 7 month anniversary. I know it is what I want. I just have to fight the self sabotage and move on with it. Easier said then done, I know.

On to happier notes. Our first post-placement visit was extremely great and totally painless. we have a new social worker and I was nervous about that, but it was easy. She asked about Minnow and how he's doing etc. I thought for sure she would want to see his room and check our child-proofing. But this was just about our family and how the little man was doing and how we were doing. It was great. I'm glad that I no longer need to worry about that. If only everything in life were that easy....

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