Thursday, August 03, 2006

Insomnia...

I have only recently had bouts of insomnia. This sucks. I use to be able to sleep anywhere and now I have to force myself to sleep and sometimes I cannot even do that. I was tired tonight but hubby is snoring and no matter how many times I wake him up to roll over he ends up rolling back over and snoring right in my ear. On top of that it is hot. Our poor AC has been working its little heart out with this frickin' heat wave we have had--to tell you the truth the house hasn't really cooled back down since the really bad storms we had with the 100+ degree heat 2 days in a row. We live in a solid brick house so if it is allowed to get too hot, it's like an oven and it is really hard to cool it back down and it sucks. I hate sweating at home. To top it off, I itch incessently. I got fried this past weekend on our vacation and I am a mess of dead skin cells sluffing themselves off at the pace of molasses in january. To make matters worse the skin blisters all nice after a work out induced sweat.

I am Dawn for those of you who don't know me. I am a happily married woman who is fast approaching the 35 year marker--only 28 days away. I am not stressed about getting older and I am no longer stressed about keeping my identity secret. I am so not interesting enough to hide the actual facts of my life. I am over my paranoia, really. I am days away from leaving to pick up my son. There also seems to be a lot of Dawn's out there in blogland so here I am world, bring it on. I know I should be sleeping, as it will be in short supply once the little on arrives home, but I cannot not shut my mind off. I am worried and thinking about everything. Money is of course at the top of the list. I don't know why I worry about it, we have always had slight issues with money. We always find a way of spending slightly more than we make. I am assuming that this will still happen without me working and I, well we, always have a way of coming up with extra money whenever we need it. I no longer worry about being in debt, that is just the way our life is now and will be for a long time, I am more worried about the day to day expenses. I think I will settle down with that once we are home with the baby and I really see what I will spend in terms of him and his needs. I don't know what to expect and so thinking about it really just freaks me out, so I will try not to do that. Yes, I will try.

There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head. I can't stop them all. They are like weeds in a prize rose garden, I pluck one out of the earth and another one or two pop up somewhere else. I cannot get a hold of them and they are winning as you can tell by my ramblings and the fact that I am still awake when in reality I would like to be in bed, since I am a morning person. Regardless of what time I get to sleep tonight I will be up with sun. It is all those years of high school teaching when I had to be up at 530am. This is a habit that will come in handy when the little one arrives.

I am currently watching a Dirty Harry movie--The Dead Pool. This was acutally the first Dirty Harry movie I saw. I really liked it. I like a great mystery/suspense story. Yeah I do, I know you'd think I would be much more embracing of the whole Adoption suspense tale, but I am not. Unfortunately I do not know that this movie will help me go to sleep, I tried to find something boring to watch that might induce slumber, but to no such luck, I watched South Park and then this. My attention span has been shorter lately than ususal. I use to be able to sit infront of the TV and watch whatever was on. Somewhere along the way I have lost my tolerance for brain zapping drivel on TV. I am saddened by this, now what do I do. I could go to the gym, they are open 24 hours a day during the week, but that would mean that I have to get dressed and wake up hubby to tell him I am going. I would hate to do that, as he has to go to work tomorrow and make the money so that I can buy groceries.

Thanks for hanging in there with me, those of you who are still reading. I am at a crossroads. It is late and I can share something of myself with you all now. I long to be a writer. I have been writing since I can remember. I have written 2 novels that are packed away in a filing cabinet. They were admittedly practice. I wrote one at 16 and the other at about 24. I have started more stories than I care to think about and am in the process of outlining--loosely--the story that I have been preparing to write for years. It is the story that is closest to me and the one that I really want to be the one that gets me published. Have I tried to publish before? Well no, because I have been practicing. Practice make perfect right? I have a huge insecurity when it comes to my writing. I am a decent writer when I put my mind to it. But I worry about my ability to sustain a story over hundreds of pages. I have had this dream for a long time and I know that I am afraid of losing the dream. Scared of having it squashed and then admitting that I cannot do what I have always wanted to do. What I have always hoped to do. Then what. What do you have left if you dream must go unrealized? It is the scariest thing for me to face. I don't know what it will mean for me if I am unable to be a writer. I have never really considered the possibility. If I don't try then I don't lose the dream. Yes, I know there are no rewards without risks, but I don't know if I am willing to risk the one thing I have dreamt about since I was old enough to understand the power of books. I don't want to write the great american novel. I don't need fame or fortune. I would just like to be able to make a living doing it. But do I? If I did wouldn't I be finding other ways to write for money? Maybe. I don't know. Do I want to be a writer or a novelist?

I know the answer to this question--in my head, but not yet in my heart. I am not sure what I am willing to do to achieve my goal. I don't know how I would get started. I have not been willing to take the risk. I have not been willing to do the entry level stuff. Do I have to pay dues or can I just become a writer? Don't I owe it to myself to try?

Dreams are what make life worth living. But dreams are nothing if we don't move towards achieveing them. I have held on to the dream long enough. It is time to do something or let it go. Life is too short and precious to waste on dreams that live only in the mind. I am not getting younger--I am already another day older. I cannot hide any longer behind what I hope to be. I must step into the world that I want to be part of and face the music. Oh I hope I get to stay at the party. I hope I reach the stars, no matter how short lived the trip might be.

2 comments:

Dawn said...

Another Dawn here. Love to write formerly employed, adjusting to life as a new Mom. Money is bound to be on your mind since you just stopped working. Becoming a SAHM is an adjustment, but as you will soon see it has its benefits as well. Here's to peaceful sleep and a safe and memorable trip to Ethiopia.

Jenni said...

Whoa, darlin.' I think you and I have managed to jump on the same wave length. My sleepless mind is moving just as quickly as your these days, and it's thinking about all of the same things.

About the secret desire to be a writer...yeah, I've got that, too, although mine's not such a secret. Everyone in the world knows that I'd rather be writing novels and kid's books. Don't you dare give it up. Do it. And do it every single day. If you need a tangible motivator, go buy The Artist's Way, by Julia Cameron. I started to use it, but it was a library book, so I had to return it. The few weeks I had with it were awesome, and I have every intention of making it a permanent part of my writing resources. Make sure you let people read what you've written. My degree is actually in creative writing, so I've got a big circle of people to use as "workshop" resources. If you need an audience, I know where you can find them.

Hang in there, chica.