Friday, July 14, 2006

Hows about these apples....

Thanks Fizzle

"Here's some stuff to mebbe explore. And seriously, if I'm too opinionated,
delete my comments. Do you have issues with trust? Are you sensitive or afraid
of getting hurt? How comfortable are you in expressing yourself?"
These are huge issues for me--all of them. I have issues with trust that stem from my childhood. I won't go into great detail as I am not sure if anyone from my family has found this. But my trust was rocked when I was younger and I don't know that it has been completely repaired. That said-I guess I am lucky to have the hubby I have and to have been able to foster that relationship. We truly are perfect for each other as we have many of the same issues and we have great communication. I am afraid of getting hurt. I have been hurt badly in the past. I think in return I have hurt others as well. To gain power maybe. I have hurt friends and they still love me. That is a true blessing.

How do you move past the pain. I still live with consequences of one of the incidents that shattered my trust and hurt me deep into my soul. I was a lost youth. I wanted love and looked in many of the wrong places--there was a love lacking in my home between my parents that I looked to find. I ended up finding "it" with an asshole who stole it from me with force. Then the asshole talked about it with others about how "bad" I was. Well hello asshole, I said "no" and "NO" which fell on deaf ears. I still haven't forgiven you and never will. You have scared me for life. Hubby wants to kick your ass...I want to kick you ass. How do you move forward. I have talked about it, I have written about it. Does the scar ever really go away or does it always reside under the surface? I don't think I really need the answer to this. It has been nearly 20 years and I still see the scar.

I think I am strong--I am insecure. The experience mentioned above made me adapt and give out what I thought all men wanted so that they wouldn't try to take it from me. I chose the wrong way to cope, but I can't change it. Because of this I missed out on a lot of great opportunities with great guys who were perplexed by me and my dichotomy--wanting to put out and wanting to be respected...I settled for the first and lied to myself and everyone else that I was okay with this. I wasn't then and I am still not now. My choices haunt me. How can I move forward? How to close the pandora's box? The million dollar question.

Now the expressing myself piece. I am still finding out who I am and what is important to me. I don't really know who I am so can't say how I feel about expressing myself. I am complex and I have to come to terms with that. I am adaptable and can easily fit in with many different groups of people. But there are few people that I feel that I really mesh with and could build a relationship with. I really am quite picky about the company I keep, which might explain why I don't keep much company. But I want to. I now worry more about it as I finish my last day of work. I will be a stay at home mom. Who will I meet then? Other moms? But I am also acadmeic. I am working on my MA in English and then will begin work on a PhD or my EdD. I like to have intellecutal conversations about politics, religion, philosophy, education, etc. I am passionate and opinionated and am not very tolerant of the uneducated. I live in a working class city neighborhood. How will I find and foster the relationships that I want to have? Where do I find the type of people that I want to talk to? The people who will challenge my ideals and listen to my opinions? Are they out there? I can with my grandmother who has a thirst for knowledge but she isn't going to live forever.
Where are you? Are you out there? Do you live close by?


Dawn said...

I do understand what you are saying and as I mentioned before, leaving the workplace can be tough at first but you do find people to talk to at the right time I suppose. I have a B.S. in Engineering and a J.D. but I really just appreciate the simplicity of things since I left the drama of the workplace behind. My life is different but I am happier. Wishing you peace and good conversation.

Fizzle said...

Amazingly honest post, Dawn. You're sharing that on one hand you like being solo and on the other hand, there are real reasons why you struggle with trust and relationships.

As for the part of you that digs being on your own, I think that's great! We can't all be extroverts. I myself need time on my own to recuperate when I'm around people too much. A guy and I were talking this morning and agreed we may know a lot of people, but it's only the rare few who are tight friends. I feel like my trust is precious. Believe me, I've frustrated people and ran them off and am lucky to have kept a few around, but it's okay to pick and choose who you give the best pieces of yourself to.

I'm sorry for what you've gone through. You were date raped. You can take out the date, because that takes away some of the seriousness...That's such a violation, I'm not even sure where one starts on the path to recovery.

It sounds like you've been able to identify the big obstacles in your life. I'm wondering what being a mother is going to do in these regards? Who knows. Might open things up a bit, make you deal with it or open doors to recovery!!

I think you said you were a cyclist. I have to say that working out has been one of the most cathartic processes outside of therapy that I've gone through. It's the physical piece, but it's also the parts that makes you feel good about you. Know what I mean? Along with exercise, I forced myself to join groups, to be social and share more. For me, blogging was this huge mental leap. Share my PRIVATE life? Potentially be rejected? But it's been an easy way to build community. You'll figure out steps that are right for you....don't feel like you *have* to have friends, but focus on that desire you have to want them...

And now my blogging opinionated hat is off...