Thursday, July 13, 2006

Coming to Terms

I wonder if I have really done this. I mean coming to terms with my(our) infertility. I was reading the August 2006 Adoptive Families and the piece in the back title "Just Adopt" by Sarah Kelly really got me thinking. Not just about my own view of adoption but about the view of others. There are those who are "sorry" for us that we "have to" adopt--even though this is something that hubby and I had always planned on doing. I had to ask myself if I feel that way. It is really important to understand how one feels about particular milestones in their lives. I always thought that I would give birth to my first child. I also always knew I would adopt.

The question remains, have I come to terms with my infertility? I think I have. Hubby and I will start another adoption as soon as we complete this one--but we will also try IVF to have a biological child. Does this need to try for a bio child mean I have not accepted my infertility? Does it mean that somehow I am "settling" for adoption?

I don't know that I have the answer to that question. I think the answer lies in my heart and the connection that I feel when I look at photo of my son. He is my son in every way that matters. I look at him and I cannot remember what life was like not yet knowing he existed. That must mean I have gone into this with pure intentions. I want to be a mother. I long to be a mother, I was meant to be a mother. There is no doubt that I was meant to be Noah's mom.

The long journey to our son has strengthened my marriage, my serentity, my courage and will. I know I can perserve. I look at Noah and feel something that cannot be known or explained to those who are not parents. I am his mom. He is my son and no one should ever pity us that we had to adopt. We chose to adopt.

As Ms. Kelly wrote in her piece, "we found a way to our son and he found his way to us." This sentiment is all the comfort one needs to warm the heart and know our family is exaclty as the universe intended.


Jenni said...

Wow. Thanks for sharing this. Infertility isn't one of the many reasons we've chosen to adopt, so it's a facet of the unsolicited advice and opinion that I haven't ever really thought about or had to deal with. It's interesting, and often sad how the "outside world" can assume so many things about adoptive parents.

I think the process of entering motherhood is largely circumstantial. Some circumstances lend themselves to biological birth, others to IVF, and still other to adoption. Not a single one of these routes should ever be considered a "settlement" in place of the "failure" of another. Too bad the "outside world" doesn't always agree.

You may forever question whether or not you have come to terms with your infertility, but I also think that you will never ever regret the choices you have made and will make to become the mother you were meant to be.

5KidMom said...


Love the new look on the blog too.

MP2 said...

Dawn, I don't think you should feel that the desire to have a biological child means that you haven't 'accepted' infertility or that you see adoption as a 'second' choice. You will have a beautiful family - one that you and your husband can grow however you choose. The only reason we had the 'bio' kids first was my age, not that there's anything wrong with having kids later - we just felt that there would be less worries going through pregnancy with me younger. All 3 of our kids have been equally chosen, planned, and desired - regardless of how they came to us. From what I know of you, yours will be, too!

I hope that doesn't sound presumptious, as I haven't personally dealt with infertility, but I'm just trying to say that I think you're going to be a great mommy to all your kids.

And I can't wait to meet your first child...check my blog!!!!!

Danielle said...

This is such a difficult topic. I've always wanted to adopt, but we always assumed we'd at least try to have bio kids first. Then we decided to adopt first. I almost feel like part of that was to make a statement that, YES, we CHOSE to adopt. It makes me angry that people think there is such a big difference. As if adopted kids are the same as the neighbor kid you babysit because they aren't biologically related to you. I know a lot of it has to do with parents just simply loving their kids so much (and the fact that most of them tend to be bio kids), that they can't imagine loving "someone else's baby" just as much. Except an adopted child isn't someone else's baby. It's YOUR baby. I hope the doubts others have will go away when they see us enamored with this little Ethiopian who looks absolutely nothing like us, but I don't know. Maybe I'll just start flicking people in the forehead when they make insensitive comments about the love us adoptive parents have for our kids. I don't even know who the heck our kid is yet and I am so in love it is annoying. Imagine when I have a picture? And a body wearing all the funny outfits in his/her closet? If that isn't love, I don't know what is...I certainly am not as obsessed with the potential eggs in my potentially fertile womb that may someday become bio kids, even though we plan to try at some point. The little phantom baby in Ethiopia is WAY more exciting at this point :).