Tuesday, June 13, 2006


Today is only the second day of summer school and I am already ready to quite. Our summer school runs 5 weeks and there are two classes per day--each being approx 2 1/2 hours long. I am teaching freshman English. My first class is a dream. They are quiet and they do all their work without much redirection. My second class is "evil". No one wants to work, everyone wants to talk. They all complain about the amount of work. It is a lot, but Hello--it's a semester's worth of work in 5 weeks--it's going to be a lot of work. What do they expect a free ride? They were angry at me when I told them just showing up everyday wasn't enough. "What, we don't get points for just coming?" UGH!!!

I never thought I would dislike my job. Never. I thought I would teach and want to teach forever. I am counting the minutes until my very last day. 7380. Isn't that sad? I am dumbfounded by this turn of events. I am trying not to give up on them, but it is so hard when they appear to have given up on themselves. I know that they haven't or they wouldn't come.

Work on the house has come to a slow trickle. There is so much to do, but I have lost my steam and my determination. I hope I find it soon--as there is still a chance for us to get to travel this summer. I am almost done with the kitchen and we are really running out of weekends until we "might" get to bring our little one home. I just don't know where my motivation has gone. I have lost it. Even my weightloss is at a standstill. In 6 months time I worked off 53 pounds. Now, in the last 6 weeks nothing. Granted for about a month I was only going to the gym on the days I worked out with my trainer (2) as opposed to 6. That put a damper on it, and I was horrible with my foods and diet. So I know that it will take me about 3 weeks to really get back on track, but I am desperate to lose more weight. I want to drop another dress size or two prior to traveling to Ethiopia.

I somehow have gotten lost in this whole getting a baby and also getting older. We still would like to have a biological child or two. We opted for adoption first--always knew we would adopt--because after years of infertility treatment and failed pregnancy tests I wanted a baby. I couldn't deal with the maybe anymore and I was really tired of getting shots in the butt--and I think hubby was really starting to enjoy sticking me with needles. Nothing can prepare you for the emptiness you feel when you cannot conceive. Nothing. I spent my entire teen years trying not to get pregnant--oh the cosmic joke.

The one thing that has helped is my honest belief in fate. Things happen for a reason. I know that I am destined to be a parent. That I have never doubted. Not once have I questioned if I was meant to be childless. I an't imagine the future of my life with out my hubby and without little ones. But in even my dreams, I did not see little babies that looked like us. I am a firm believer in evolution and adaptation. We are an overpopulated society. Every century or so there have been diseases and catastrophies that have wiped out a large number of humans. I believe that infertility is one of the natural worlds adapted population controls. That offers a small comfort. As though I was selected to not bare my own children but to love and nuture a child that may not have a family otherwise. That makes it a little easier to take. It also makes seeking IVF harder. I feel as though I am going against mother nature and her plan for me. Hubby on the other hand, really wants us to try and for him I would move mountains. We shall see.

7355 now--how time flies.


Danielle said...

Hang in there!! We were losing renovation motivation towards the end as well. The only thing that helped was to get the heck out of the house for a weekend and enjoy ourselves. Between the constant mess, disorganization and exhaustion, I was losing my mind. Now that it's done, it was worth it and I'm antsy with nothing to do (except obsess over a referral, of course). I know how hard the weight loss thing is, too. I'm currently sitting at my desk ready to eat my own arm off and facing an afternoon walk :)

Dawn said...

You are not alone. I can think of little else. I liken it to a passion shift. All the things you used to focus on have been replaced by one little person. That's just the way it is. Enjoy it.

MP2 said...

Your baby won't care what your dress size is...you're gonna be the light of his world as you are. One of the many great things about kids - I wish we all stayed that way (-:

sarah said...

Regarding work, I know exactly how you feel! Our last group of kids were very discouraging, definitely made you wonder if it is even worth trying. Fortunately for me our new kids are a breath of fresh air. They are actually hopeful about their own futures! And, I must say, even when work is wonderful I still found staying home always at least, if not more, rewarding and would go back in a second if I could (although I'm only working 12 hours a week so I guess technically I still am at home) :)