Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to carry on with dignity in spite of it (S. Turow)

Good, because I am scared to death. Why you ask? Well because I am having a baby. I have never really been a mom--sure I have those cute little fur babies--cats and dogs--but it is really hard to screw up a dog or a cat. Some might argue that we have as the cats jump on the counters and we move to make room for the dogs on the couch and bed. Yes, I know that this is quite trivial, but I am going to raise a child. He will pick up my habits--good and bad--not that I really have any bad habits, other than taking my shoes and clothes off where ever I am in the house when I feel like it. I am the one is responsible for him and giving him the tools he needs to be successful. I am nearly 35 and I don't necessarily know that I am qualified for the job. I am just now starting to get my act together. So I may be exaggerating a bit.

I am just now figuring this whole life thing out--as much as any one can. I am completely unknowledgable about babies. I bought a book about babies first year of food. What do you feed a baby and when? I now have a little info on that, but not nearly as much as I would like. I hate not knowing everything--as I am a know it all. I love knowledge, I love learning and I really love knowing lots of things. I want to be an expert in everything, which really leaves me being an expert in nothing.

Fear. The great motivator. Of course I don't know what I am motivated to do, but I am motivated. If I could move the mountains and return the earth's plates back to their orignal theoretical position and all of the land mass was somewhat attached, I would pack up my bike and petal half way around the world, just to hug my baby. I am fearful that I will miss more time with him as the court closure looms dark in the distance threatening me with a smile. I don't know what I will do if we miss the closure. I can't even comprehend what that will do to me and my hubby. To be so close to having our dream of being parents a reality, yet that reality is being held up by a string so thin, it is impossible to see. That cannot be good, nor can it be safe.

I don't feel corageous. I feel paranoid and ill prepared for this--the waiting, the mothering, the eventual letting go. People do it all the time, but for some reason I don't see myself as capable as them. What happens when he cries and I can't soothe him. What happens when I cry and I can't soothe myself. I feel as though the dark is enveloping me and I have had my night light taken away. I should just be happy.

Yesterday I turned off the computer--and survived which I found hard to believe--and grouted 1/3 of the floor tile. It has only been waiting for grout for just about 2 months. I am making progress. I hope to finish the grout Thursday because then I can start on the nursery this weekend. That is what I have been waiting for. I am picking up the baby furniture tonight I hope, maybe tomorrow. I need to buy the flooring and then paint. I am so excited. I am so scared--but beyond all of that and most importantly--I am Happy--neurosis does that for you.

3 comments:

Sarah said...

The feeling that you don't know what you are doing never goes away (at least not for me). The only thing that matters is that you're doing what is right for you and yours. I NEVER knew if she was eating enough, too much, etc. no matter how many times and how many people I asked. But somehow, she survived! :)

Anne said...

Even after three kids I have a few moments of doubt, too. I think it helps to remember that babies need love, love, love, some milk, some bananas and some diapers.

Also, it helped me to realize that my babies were communicating their needs to me -- I had to learn how to listen to them. Each one was so different.

You'll be great.

Anonymous said...

D,
This fear is just an indicator of what a great mom you will be! You will worry now, and at night when you get a chance to catch your breath once your little one is home. You move through it. When you are in the moment, you do your best and then your child requires you to move on. It never stops, it is always changing, but your kids are better for it, I think.
Hang in there,
Karianne