Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Working through it...

How do you keep your sanity while wainting for the biggest thing in your life to happen? Well you rip out wall of tile and plaster. You demolish the old and dream of the new. Does it help? Well, some. It is a cleansing experience and quite calming. It allows me to focus on something other than what I don't have. We have a completely ripped out kitchen, a somewhat ripped out den, a nursery that is drywalled but needs to be sanded. I have decided to not decorate the nursery until we get our referral, so that I can decorate it accordingly for the gender of the baby. I really want to be able to decorate it like a "boy" or "girl" room. I know all about gender socialization, but I don't really care, nor do I think that it will have an impact on the child and how they turn out.
I am trying to prepare myself for parenthood, but how can you really? I don't have anything to really pull from. I have lots of friends who have had babies, but this is so different. You can't really prepare yourself. It is hard to focus on parenthood, when I really have nothing concrete--like a pregnant belly--to concentrate on. My child is imaginary at this point. I already love him/her with all my heart but it is still just an idea. I want to be ready but I don't know how to get ready. I can't really buy anything, because I don't know how big or old the baby will be when we travel to pick him/her up. I am hoping that we get through courth prior to the closure. That way we don't have to wait an additional six weeks. If we do, I think that I will be going over early to spend some time with the baby--if we can afford it.
For now, I must focus on myself, my marriage, and getting the house ready. We are making strides, but I still can't help but dream about my baby. Hopefully soon it will be reality....

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